The husband and I reached out for some guidance to manage our way through this grief and we talked with a smart and kind man that we both know. I was talking with him and said that I am a counselor, and I should have the coping skills for this, or at least know what to try. His words were simple but profound: "There is concept, and then there is real life. You are dealing with real life." Did I mention that real life hurts a lot sometimes?
It seems I have been marking my grief in "firsts". The first night we spent in bed without our girl. The first time we ate pizza and didn't have anyone to give the crust to. The first time I went to the freezer and wasn't followed by the sound of four paws hoping so much that I had gotten Frosty Paws for her. The first time I heard a noise outside and had no one to look at to make sure it wasn't a threat. The first time I pulled into the garage and wasn't herded in by my girl. And tonight was the first night that the husband made spaghetti and didn't get his bowl "pre-rinsed" by a very excited fur ball. The first time I left the house for work without leaving the television on for company for her. On a less sad note, I also have had the first day I didn't cry. Eventually all of these things will become "seconds", and some already have. Then they will be thirds and fourths and on and on until I don't know how many of these we have had any more. I will just know that I miss her very much and life isn't the same as it was before. We'll get through this, but we don't have to like it. It's just a new normal.
The concept of kindness is definitely different than enacting it in real life. It's a lovely concept, and ideally everyone would participate all the time. But real life happens and we don't always get to do what we want. My concept of kindness has also changed and expanded throughout my experiment. I used to have a standard of doing one thing a day, but now I feel the need to expand my concept to include kindness with purpose. That being said, here are some examples of kindness shown to others, as well as kindness shown to me lately.
- The husband and I took our dog's toys to the vet after she was gone. We kept a few for ourselves, for our own comfort, but we brought the rest to the vet to be with dogs who are kenneled or who have to stay overnight for medical care. Along with this, I baked cookies and wrote out a card for the staff there. They are an amazing office, and I know they were all almost as sad as we were to lose our girl. Since we won't be seeing them again any time soon, I wanted to make sure they all knew how wonderful they are. In my experience, being reminded that you are good at your job can help keep you going, especially on a bad day.
- I saw something at the grocery store that I knew the husband would absolutely love, so I bought them. He's pretty easy to buy little treats for, to be honest, but it still makes me smile to see him smile with my random little treats.
- A former supervisor of mine gave me a tip about a fantastic curriculum to use with a particular client, and I have been using it and love it! I thanked her for giving me the advice. I feel people should be thanked when they are helpful.
- During a discussion with my husband about my new job, he complimented another former supervisor of mine. I passed along the compliment.
- A co-worker was having a difficult time with a case, and I know it is one she feels a little insecure about, as she is out of her comfort zone with this case. She did something really great with this kid, and I sent her an e-mail telling her that I thought she handled herself very well and made a good decision.
- Two of my co-workers are moving on to bigger and better things, and another co-worker took up donations to get them a nice gift. I gave her more money than she asked for, because they deserve nice things and I know I am in a position to do so.
- We had a pretty big storm roll through here in the last month, and I saw on the news that 100+ mph winds ran right through the town of someone I know. I sent her some texts that evening, just to check in and make sure she was okay. I haven't seen this person in a while, but it worried me to see the damage there. I also sent texts to some other friends in another town reaching out for the same purpose. He had his power go out in the storm, so the husband and I were letting him know when it was safe to leave his basement.
- In the world of grief, certain acts of kindness stand out. I received cards from some wonderfully kind people who expressed sympathy, some supportive e-mails and texts as well as a card from our vet that made both the husband and I cry like babies all over again.
So throughout the clouds hanging over my head these days, there are some shining beams of sunlight. The clouds seem to be starting to clear and I know someday they will clear completely. Until then, I am hanging on to the good things, and navigating life despite the concept I had in my head.
