Can Openers

I happened to be browsing twitter and found this website: http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/. This made me really happy, especially the long list of ideas on the site. I was refreshed to see the little things on this list, like holding doors and such.

So since the last blog entry, I've done quite a few things:

• Paid for someone behind me in the drive through at Starbucks.
• Brought our leftover dog food to a friend who has dogs and could use it. 
• Dropped off two large bags of clothes at Goodwill.
• When our air conditioning went out, I was home when the guy came to fix it. As he was leaving, I told him how much I appreciated what he did (okay, so I may have professed my love for him and called him my hero. What can I say, it was 95+ for days!). We pay these people for the service they do, but I have a feeling that they hear verbal feedback more often when they do something bad than when they do something good. 
• I sent an e-mail to my supervisor letting her know how much I appreciated having a supportive supervisor who I feel has my back and makes a positive work environment. 
• On the 4th, we went to a party at a friend's house. They had a bunch of people there, including some kids. One young boy, probably 11 or 12, was just super polite. He asked if he could put his can of pop on the tailgate of my husband's truck that I was sitting on, he asked permission to lean on the truck, and thanked me every time I told him it was okay. I asked him to point out his parents for me, and I think the kid was terrified. I went to his mother and told her how polite and well mannered her son was. She seemed to be appreciative of it. I just really wanted to make it a point to let her know how great her kid is. Like I said before about service workers, I think that parents probably hear more negative stuff about their kids than positive.

So the reason for the title it this. I was talking with a client who had a really touch upbringing (as most of my clients do). She and her sisters spent some time living in a Salvation Army, on park benches, and in motels. She was talking to me about her resourcefulness and what they did to survive. She mentioned that she used to go to the food pantry to get food, and they would give her canned goods. Then she told me something that  created a light bulb moment for me. She mentioned that while they were appreciative of these canned goods, they did not have a can opener. So they would try to puncture the can until they could get it open. I never thought about this before. Donating food, sure, but after this is done it usually is put out of your mind. But imagine if you were homeless: there are certain things you would want to always have with you, some for logistic reasons, some for sentimental reasons. A can opener is not something I believe people would make a point to carry with them. So the next time I am out, I am going to buy some can openers (nothing fancy) and donate then to a food pantry. Because what's the point in donating food if people can't eat it?

Kindness and Gratitude When The World Tries To Hold You Down

I feel like something has been going on this year that has been trying to beat me down and hold me back. It seems I haven't gone one month without some sort of tragedy or major life change. But I am not one to give up. I never really have been. I get dramatic and have been known to flop on my bed with a giant, soap opera worthy sigh, but giving up is not something I do. So on that note, I look the first 5 months of 2013 in the face and express my gratitude and continue to be kind. I know this is a tradition usually reserved for Thanksgiving, but in an effort to shake off the karma demons that have been after me, here is a list of things I am thankful for so far this year.

Things I Am Thankful For This Year

• I am grateful for the time that I got to spend with Carrie before we had to put her down. I am also grateful that we had the means to take care of her as long as we did and could give her the best life (and death) possible. 
• I am grateful that the husband has moved back in. Although it has seemed like non-stop drama since he got here, it's been great to feel like we're really married again. And on this note, I am grateful for the ease of the transition to living together again. There were some bumps (like reminding him that I do not grocery shop on Sunday afternoon with the rest of the world) but it has been pretty smooth.
• I am so, so grateful for my new job. I am trusted there and treated like I am intelligent and competent. I remember why I love counseling. This is what I was trained for, this is how the profession is supposed to be: rewarding, challenging and intellectually stimulating. I no longer feel stagnant and bored. I am also so thankful for the compliments I have received in the past few months from people telling me how good I look. This sounds conceited, but people everywhere have been telling me that I look like I've lost weight, or I look different somehow. While I don't think I've lost weight, I know I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from me. This has made me carry myself differently and act differently. 
• I am thankful for my friends and family (especially my husband) who stuck by me through the terribleness that was the last year. I swear, I didn't know how bad off I was until I was out of the fog. Luckily, I have good friends and family who love me anyway. 
• I am grateful that although the husband had to spend five days in the hospital last month due to a broken thumb and subsequent infection, we did not have to worry about having the means to take care of the bills from the hospital stay. That's right, I said it. I am grateful for Tricare. This will probably be the only time I ever say that, so soak it in while you can. 

I should mention that I did get my karmic return in a little way this month. I found myself in the drive through at Starbucks (find me a Starbucks and I will establish it as my satellite office!) and as I pulled to the window to pay, I got the greatest surprise. The cashier at the window told me that the person in front of me had paid for my drink. I was way more exited about this than the barista thought I should be, judging by her reaction, but this was a REAL random act of kindness. I paid it forward, of course, by paying for the person behind me. It truly made my day that this happened to me and that I could continue the trend. I wonder how many cars this went on for. 

I told my parents this story when I went to visit last weekend. My mom told her boss, who replied with "That would never happen here." Why not? People can be kind anywhere. When I told my parents the story, my mom had a bunch of comments, like "I wonder if they did that just to see what you would do..."  and "How did you know that they person behind you didn't order a ton of stuff?" It doesn't really matter, does it? Why analyze it? Just go with it and pay it forward. 

Concept vs Life

I really didn't want to write two depressing blog posts in a row, but I don't get to choose everything that happens in my life, and it has been a roller coaster of a month. I have told the story so many times now, and I can't bear to tell it again right now, so the short version is that the husband and I had to put down our beautiful, amazing and perfect dog two weeks ago. It was a horrible experience all around, and we are still grieving  I have never experienced a loss quite like this before. As much as I have searched my counselor brain for words to describe this feeling, I just have to go back to basics and say I feel sad. There just isn't another word for it.

The husband and I reached out for some guidance to manage our way through this grief and we talked with a  smart and kind man that we both know. I was talking with him and said that I am a counselor, and I should have the coping skills for this, or at least know what to try. His words were simple but profound: "There is concept, and then there is real life. You are dealing with real life." Did I mention that real life hurts a lot sometimes?

It seems I have been marking my grief in "firsts". The first night we spent in bed without our girl. The first time we ate pizza and didn't have anyone to give the crust to. The first time I went to the freezer and wasn't followed by the sound of four paws hoping so much that I had gotten Frosty Paws for her. The first time I heard a noise outside and had no one to look at to make sure it wasn't a threat. The first time I pulled into the garage and wasn't herded in by my girl. And tonight was the first night that the husband made spaghetti and didn't get his bowl "pre-rinsed" by a very excited fur ball. The first time I left the house for work without leaving the television on for company for her. On a less sad note, I also have had the first day I didn't cry. Eventually all of these things will become "seconds", and some already have. Then they will be thirds and fourths and on and on until I don't know how many of these we have had any more. I will just know that I miss her very much and life isn't the same as it was before. We'll get through this, but we don't have to like it. It's just a new normal.

The concept of kindness is definitely different than enacting it in real life. It's a lovely concept, and ideally everyone would participate all the time. But real life happens and we don't always get to do what we want. My concept of kindness has also changed and expanded throughout my experiment. I used to have a standard of doing one thing a day, but now I feel the need to expand my concept to include kindness with purpose. That being said, here are some examples of kindness shown to others, as well as kindness shown to me lately.

• The husband and I took our dog's toys to the vet after she was gone. We kept a few for ourselves, for our own comfort, but we brought the rest to the vet to be with dogs who are kenneled or who have to stay overnight for medical care. Along with this, I baked cookies and wrote out a card for the staff there. They are an amazing office, and I know they were all almost as sad as we were to lose our girl. Since we won't be seeing them again any time soon, I wanted to make sure they all knew how wonderful they are. In my experience, being reminded that you are good at your job can help keep you going, especially on a bad day.
• I saw something at the grocery store that I knew the husband would absolutely love, so I bought them. He's pretty easy to buy little treats for, to be honest, but it still makes me smile to see him smile with my random little treats. 
• A former supervisor of mine gave me a tip about a fantastic curriculum to use with a particular client, and I have been using it and love it! I thanked her for giving me the advice. I feel people should be thanked when they are helpful. 
• During a discussion with my husband about my new job, he complimented another former supervisor of mine. I passed along the compliment. 
• A co-worker was having a difficult time with a case, and I know it is one she feels a little insecure about, as she is out of her comfort zone with this case. She did something really great with this kid, and I sent her an e-mail telling her that I thought she handled herself very well and made a good decision. 
• Two of my co-workers are moving on to bigger and better things, and another co-worker took up donations to get them a nice gift. I gave her more money than she asked for, because they deserve nice things and I know I am in a position to do so. 
• We had a pretty big storm roll through here in the last month, and I saw on the news that 100+ mph winds ran right through the town of someone I know. I sent her some texts that evening, just to check in and make sure she was okay. I haven't seen this person in a while, but it worried me to see the damage there. I also sent texts to some other friends in another town reaching out for the same purpose. He had his power go out in the storm, so the husband and I were letting him know when it was safe to leave his basement. 
• In the world of grief, certain acts of kindness stand out. I received cards from some wonderfully kind people who expressed sympathy, some supportive e-mails and texts as well as a card from our vet that made both the husband and I cry like babies all over again. 

So throughout the clouds hanging over my head these days, there are some shining beams of sunlight. The clouds seem to be starting to clear and I know someday they will clear completely. Until then, I am hanging on to the good things, and navigating life despite the concept I had in my head. 

Change, grief, loss and somehow, remembering kindness

So it's been a while. I know. There has been a lot going on since my last visit here. I'll try and summarize in a concise and eloquent manner.

First off, I started a new job. I absolutely love it. I was so burnt out at my old job, and I didn't even realize it until I wasn't there anymore. I feel the need to apologize to everyone in my life that has been neglected in the past few years because of my feelings of burn out. I am in such a better place in my life now. I have remembered how much I love counseling and working with these kids to see change. I am getting a larger variety of opportunities now, and although I thought I had seen quite a lot in my previous job, I am seeing so much more now. Changing jobs has required me to learn a new dance of sorts. Tactics and organizational things that I used in the past might not work now. My schedule is very different. I have a whole new set of policies and practices to learn, and I am getting a lot of training on new therapy skills. I'm learning the steps, but like all dances, you stumble a bit in the beginning and at the end it can become art. I think I am getting closer to the art, but it took some stumbling to get here.

I want to talk for a brief minute about the loss from the title of this post. Shortly after leaving my old job, one of my co-workers there passed away. He was not a spring chicken, but he was too young to have had this happen to him. His name was Tom. I learned a lot from Tom in my three years at that job. He had a lot of wisdom to share and I think he was at his best when we came to him to ask him to share this wisdom. He was a little grumpy at times, and a little rough around the edges, but underneath his occasional growling and door slamming, he had a wonderful heart and a great sense of humor, randomly singing Christmas carols sometimes and coming in my office just to kick my chair and give me a smile.  I was thinking of those times when he showed his wonderful heart and came up with one very important time that he extended a random act of kindness to me and I am going to share this.

One day over the summer, a client of mine just showed up at the office, hoping to speak to me. She had a fight with her mother and was feeling very frustrated and wanted to talk about this. We had a great session and although I don't think things ever became wonderful with her mother, I know that I helped her that day. After my other sessions that day, I checked my e-mail, and there was an e-mail from Tom. It was short and sweet, and said that he was impressed with my ability to build a rapport with my clients and the client showing up at the office had been a testament to that good rapport. That was the day I started a folder in my e-mail titled :-) Anytime there was an e-mail that made me smile for some reason, I put it in that folder. When I was having a bad day, I would look through those e-mails and they would make me smile. So I thank Tom for sending me this e-mail to start that little folder. He probably didn't think anything of it, but it meant a lot to me.

Another thing that we have been dealing with here is grieving the diagnosis of our dog's lymphoma. We took her to the vet a few weeks ago because we were concerned about her lack of eating. The vet gave us a preliminary diagnosis that day and then confirmed the diagnosis a few days later when the results came back from her tests. He gave us several options for treatment, and we are choosing chemotherapy. It doesn't effect dogs like it does people, she won't lose her hair or get sick. It will actually help her to get some energy back and start eating again. The vet seems optimistic about treatment and we should get some more good, healthy time with our girl. It's been rough to handle this, but the husband and I are muddling through. It's a first for both of us, and we'll take any good thoughts or prayers for strength that we can get.

With all the change and grief in our lives, I am trying to make it a point to be kind, and see kindness as well. Today at work, we got to write compliments to our co-workers and put them in a bowl to be read aloud at the meeting. I had such a great time doing that, as my new co-workers have been so patient, kind and giving to me since I started. Some other kindness highlights:

• I shadowed someone for a few appointments just after I started, and I know that can be hard on someone to have a co-worker following them around. So I sent her an e-mail the next day thanking her and she really appreciated it. 
• I was sitting at a Starbucks, doing some case notes, and there were some kids there with their parents. These kids were super cute, and very well behaved while their parents were sharing coffee. I went up to them as I left and complimented them on their children's wonderful behavior. They looked so shocked that someone would do that, but there are so many bad and apathetic parents out there, I think the good ones should be acknowledged.
• The husband and I bought the neighbor beer after he used his snow blower on my driveway after watching me struggle with it. Say what you will about living in the suburbs, but in my cul-de-sac, I have a neighbor with a snow blower, and that rocks. I don't know if that beer was so much an act of kindness as it was a payback, but it was at least a pay back for his act of kindness. 
• Of course, I continue to hold doors and perform traffic niceties at times. I keep this up as much as I can, even though I struggle at times. 

I'll try and visit this more often, so maybe the posts won't be so long! It will also help to keep me accountable. Hope you are still reading this, even though I've been AWOL for a while. 

Kindness as a habit

Lots of changes in the new year for me, your kind blogger.

First of all, I have been thinking about my methodology for my random acts of kindness. As I previously have a year of daily acts of kindness under my belt, I have been thinking about ways to improve what I am doing. After performing random acts of kindness every day for a year, it kind of became a habit for me. Rarely do I not hold the door for someone or keep a person from turning out of a parking lot onto the road in front of me. Because of this habit, I feel like I am cheating myself and others when I use things like this as one of my random acts. In thinking about how to make changes, I thought of the purposefulness of these acts. Am I doing these things just to say I did something that day? In some cases, yes, I did. I would find myself near the end of the day and realize that I hadn't done anything yet that day that would count, so I would hold a door for someone or let someone in front of me in traffic. I was not doing these things with a purpose or with genuineness. And in thinking about some of the things I have done for these acts, I have been happiest when I have done things with purpose, like the gifting of the Target card a few weeks ago, or leaving the dollar at Barnes & Noble.

This brings me to my decision and change in the manner I do things. I am still going to try to find ways to commit random acts of kindness, but I am not going to insist on doing them every day. I am going to carry out a few acts a week, but make them more purposeful. I will continue to report on these as well, and rest assured that I will continue to be a world class door holder, but I will be challenging myself to be more purposeful and continue to search for new ways to make the world a better place, one act of kindness at a time.

On that note, in the past few weeks I have done several things:

• Brought in monkey bread for my co-workers
• After the "Great Toilet Fiasco" at our house, I called Home Depot a few days later and spoke to a manager about an employee that was especially helpful to us. She spoke with us on the phone, then recognized us and out situation in the store. Before she even clocked in after her break, she helped us find what we were looking for. It's a long story, and if I included the details it would make more sense, but just trust me when I say she went out of her way to help me and the husband. When I called to talk to the manager, you could almost hear the relief cross the phone lines as soon as I started talking about how great this employee was. 
• Left notes for (most of) my co-workers, thanking them for being great and for their help and making the time I spent at the company enjoyable. 

This brings me to my next change in life. I got a new job! It's been something that I've been thinking about for a long time, for a variety of reasons. And I was finally able to make it happen. It's strange, as this is the first time I have ever left a job voluntarily. Hmm, that makes it seem like I got fired a lot. It's the first time in my adult life that I have left a job for reasons other than relocation. There, that sounds better. I had my first day today and I met some of the families and kids I will be working with. I think this will be a really great fit for me and I am going to enjoy the change. I have to get used to some new things, and adjusting to this will be difficult. The adjustment period will be awkward I think, and I have a lot to learn, but I am always willing to learn new things, and this will open the door to so many other things for me. I just have to remember that change is good, and stagnation is not.